Crying

I have not cried today...two days in a row must be some sort of new record for me, at least recently. Part of me feels bad about not crying but then on days I do cry I start to think, why am I the one crying I am not the one in pain, it is Reagan who feels the pain of this disease. Then after I beat myself up for crying I try reasoning with myself which goes something like this...Ok Amber, you are right she is the one that feels the physical pain of this disease but you feel the mental pain. You understand the long term effects this can have on her life and future and she can't comprehend that. That reasoning usually helps for awhile and I continue to cry to myself either while the kids are napping or at night after everyone else has gone to bed. While crying I wonder is there anyone else who feels the way I do right now? Does anyone else go through this song and dance? What are those people doing to feel better? Do they feel guilty like I do?

Long story short I don't know the answers to any of those questions. I try to pull what little knowledge I have from an undergraduate degree in Psychology to help out, but somehow what I read in a textbook doesn't transfer over to real life so easily. So I usually end up praying, praying for healing for my baby and for strength to get through this time and get her to that point. Strength for making the right decisions about what treatments to do or what doctors to see, but mostly for strength to get up every morning and try to be the best wife and mother possible. I take things day by day now because that is how this disease forces us to live.

Part of me wonders if God presented us with this challenge in part to help me slow down. I don't know what all of the reasons are, and maybe I never will, but I have decided, through this blog and hopefully other outlets in the future, that it is my mission to fight this disease and to be a shoulder to cry on for any parents or children dealing with JRA.

I will leave you today with this time old saying, which I am starting to think might have some truth to it,...IT IS OK TO CRY!!!! So my friends cry if you need to and know that you are not alone in doing so!